i just had a talk with a mentor. and it made me wonder what's it with me? its not my issue with my boss or friends or whoever.
i think inherently, there's something which is totally haywired in my brain.
1) i think i can't think properly. hahha, even thinking about not being about to think properly. there MUST be something right?
2)i get distracted very easily, i noticed that when talking to a lot of people. both in minor issues and big. my thoughts just float away and i lost them.
3)i think i always had a fear of people in authority. not people in authority uniform.. but rather, perhaps in my case, owners and buyers, and older managers/fierce people.
4) always feel apologetic for no reason. and always say things in a very "roundabout manner" of fear of upsetting people.
5) always think people are upset with me or easily offended.
6) i know what works and what doesn't. but i always ended updoing what doesn't work? i.e procastinating?
On a side note, i wonder why do i always do that? is it that i so sorely lack motivation that i couldn't just bring myself to wake up early. what's preventing me from performing at my optimum best?
well, would NLP work for me? or that permission based tapping? *tap tap*
7)why am i always not serious? that brings us back to no. 5 right?
8)sometimes thinking people whom you spoke to is all nice and flurry now and the moment you walk away, you'll be judged by them, badmouthed and sneered at.
9) now that i relook my life, i think my opinions in a way are so easily swayed. a few days ago, a friend was practising ziwei doushu with my birthdates. she said my "palaces" were blank.. and she mentioned that my brain is qite blank.. im a airhead. gosh. that's the most insulting thing which ever happened to me! all my life i worked and acquired knowledge and i absolutely believe knowledge is power. and she actually said that.. and i rethink..oh perhaps its quite true.
and oh.. now that i think its quite true.. that brings me back to what my mentor has said.. he said i don't have an opinion, a stand of my own.
erm, well.can't i be easy going? i know im pretty stubborn about a few things ironically speaking. taking a utilitarian view sometimes takes a toll on me now. there's a part of me who wants to be selfish, ruthless, sharp and courageous enough to say no. hm. and there's another part of me who just wants to be nice and assertive enough. and there's another part of me just want to ignore everything. perhaps, that part of me had died in my dreamland. because i'd tried and its just not working. people not respecting you, being mean to you, taking advantage of you. i'm tired. lah.
maybe for all i know, what i went through is just all within my imagination. perhaps people are just not so bad.
oh well, on the way home, i was thinking, im actually pissed and angry with myself for allowing people to actually say such a thing to me even though i jolly well know these are my apparent flaws. i really hope i can be not like that.. you know. but i don't know how. its so easy to say. maybe a life coach can come round and guide me.
i know i wasn't like that younger. but heck, do i really need someone to teach me how to live life.. so that i won't be an obstacle to people? gosh.. what do i know right?
this is just not making sense.
