the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak ::

i went for church today. [finally.] heh. well. im happy with myself. it was purely initiative on my part. my first step to reconcile with God. not that i was majorly totally out of the whole relationship thingy. just that, was a bit down and out spiritually. like what they say.. was a spiritually dry period. well. im glad i went there today. sermon was meaningful, doesn't make me fall asleep and worship, good.

before i make my relationship with God sound like some very detached thing, let's just say that i'm a little rebellious and lazy when it comes to things like this. my previous cell group deputy leader came up to me and gave me those prep talks, asking me why was i not coming for cg, church despite efforts from previous cell group leader/current cell group leader. i was really honest. i told him i didn't feel like. and i'll go once i want to without the need for morning calls etc.

i know my relationship with God was somewhat in the pits and yes, i know God is waiting for me to go back, like my dad when he waits for me to come home at night. but i just felt like 'tui fei-ing' tui fei - another word for it in chinese is 'duo luo'. like allow me to slack and wallow in my own world and forsake everything. i needed a break.

i guess one assurance i had was that i know that God will never forsake me. for my salvation was assured the moment i believed in him and that he died for me and rose again on the third day. that's the basest and fundamental faith i have and i assure you, if you believe, i'll see you in heaven because this thing - faith in God is after all the foundation of Christianity. And of course, it is further justified by history, time, geography.

i've friends telling me that they donate blood and money to less fortunate so that they can accumulate good works to attain nirvana/go heaven. i was personally quite disgusted cos their motive was not right. not that i want to be self righteous. but you donate because you want to lessen pain/burden for the less fortunate, not because you want to accumulate good works? doesn't it make the donations part sound very selfish and cheap?

i've friends who was evidently disgusted with me because i refused to donate to nkf. reason being very simple, just check out the national brochure, there's this long report on how their money was spent. given all these facts as since published in national brochure, i would rather donate personally to those people who really need money then to go through the hotline. not that i don't agree with the notion to donate, but its the antics they deploy, that i disagree with and thus my reasons for not donating. what if one of the artistes was injuried doing those stunts? surely there're better ways to raise funds? like collecting newspaper? having fun fairs?

i want to donate and i want to know that my money has been put to proper use.

if one wants to do good to cover one's bad deeds.. one'll never succeed because the damage was already made. how can it be reversed by/into good works? i don't understand.

woah, suddenly it sounds very dark. whatever.

"You can please all of the people some of the time, some of the people all the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time." - US President Lincoln.